Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Dutchie Luv's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 26th, 2005
9:14 am	So I've been back home since the 7th. Rosemont is great can I jus tell you that? Not much studying was actually done but I made the awesomest friends, smoked a lot of pot, had great sex, met a gurl who makes my heart jump with everything she does, and guess you could say "found myself." As cliche as that sounds, I really did learn a lot and changed many ways about my self. I think i've finally got down, afta being at three universities, what college is about. I'm sure i've got plenty more life lessons to come and experiences but in just these 5 months alone, I've got a plethora of stories to tell for years. I've also lost friends, lost lovers, lost ideals. I guess that's just a part of life. Acceptance is key. Doesn't mean it's not sad or hard but it helps in moving on which is what one must ultimately do. I've definitely gained more than I have lost and in the end, I have the memories from it all. Memories are treasures to be cherished and cherish them I do. Speakin of memories, I wanna give a shoutout to my homegurl Natasha cuz it's her 18th birthday. So HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU SWEETIE!!! Make it memorable. And enjoy your prom and nevermind the drama cuz I know ya crazy azz can make anything into a good time. Let me know how it all goes mama. Anyways new sn is SaborTANdulcE for those who don't know. Look me up on myspace pplz. The email addy is skujawski@rosemont.edu. And with that, I am out. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Eek-a-mouse - Love Me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
1:27 am	Ok so this summer I turned into a pothead. I'd say fuck it cuz hey Ani DiFranco is a pothead too...well ok maybe not a pothead but she is an activist for the legalization of marijuana. So you can't tell me that she doesn't toke up. You and I both know that she prolly lights up a niice bong hit and gets on that creative flow in which she writes her folk. But unlike most lesbians out there, stereotypically speaking, i'm not an Ani fan. I'm more for Alix Olson because she touches on more issues and her roots are more in spoken word. Either way I spent so much money on weed....money that I need now that i'm on my own and I spent a lot of my days just being high. I don't think there's anything wrong with nearly anything if done in moderation but well it was a constant thing and I'm not down with that. So I've been clean for a month. Go me! Oh yeah and memo to you...because I really didn't tell anyone besides a few of the famz but I no longer live in NY. I transferred(yet again...don't kill me!) to Rosemont College which is an all-women's school(fuckin A) in PA. It's a good 35 mins outside of Philly which is pretty killer. I like Philly, always have, because it's a pretty concentrated city like NYC but it's not hectic, rather laidback. Which describes my being if you ask me. I feel like NY just takes and takes and it feeds off the people it inhabits. Philly is opposite...you make of it what you want. So im in the dorms and my roommate is Melissa who I've talked of in previous entries. For those that don't know, we were best friends through all of junior high but we both had a lot of growing up to do and sadly our friendship deteriorated when we got to HS. After a five year hiatus we met again coincidentally at summer camp orientation where we worked together. Shoutout to Bronx House haha yeah right Jessica(miss you btw). So anyways we picked off right where we left...it was like we just fell asleep for those 5 yrs. Strange life is you know but somethings are just meant to me. And who would have thought it but we both turned out to be lesbians. Oh yeah second memo to you, most of you were under the impression that I was bi but i'm not so yeah. I'm just not a fan of the whole "coming out" thing, i'm a fan of living life. Heteros don't have to come out. It's not like, "mom, dad, sit down we need to talk. this is very difficult for me to say but i'm...i'm...::deep breathe::....straight." ::gasp:: Yeah right. See my point? Anyways, i'm in rainbow alliance and i'm trying to get a feminist group started being that we are a women's college. I finally have gay friends that are just that...no romantic attachments. Yes newsflash, Sara is single! Now that really is news. I'm chill though in the city of brotherly love. Hometown of Mumia...now that is just mindblowin to me. I gotta get back on the activist grind. I mean damnit that man is still on deathrow...grr. Other then that, i'm currently jobless because Modell's dicked me over with the transfer that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED. I applied to a ridiculous(hehe Allison) amt of places today so we shall see whats good with that. Money is running low let me tell you. Nika's birthday is tomorrow and we are going to Cuba Libre and then clubbin. It's been so long since i've had any spanish food so woo hoo to that. Then next friday the Assiociation of Latin Americans is throwing a huge concert slash party as a pre-Vday thang which i'm helping advertize. So yeah Philly people get at me...we got one of the best djs in Philly plus live musicial entertainment, the Ram Squad which is our dance/step team, and some other ish goin on that I currently can't remember. Ooo and the 25th is the winter formal which I don't have a date to yet. But before I jump the gun on that...who wants to be my valentine? ::crickets:: Damn ya'll ouch. Right so this is the most i've wrote in LJ is god only knows how long so before you get to used to it...ya cut off. Besos besos for all from da Rose @-->--->---- (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
2:08 pm	I WAAAANNA BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Anarchyyyy YEAAaaaaaa!!!!!!! Oh God Save the Queen, yes Save the Queen. "You are my hero, however shall I repay you?" God Eat The Queen Eat it man God Eat the Queen, God Eats. No FUTURE NO FUTURE NO FUTURE for you! I don't know man why I did it? Andrew man, how could you let me? Fuckin PUNK. Fuck you who thinks punk is dead? Yes it died in me one day but it has ressurrected like a fuckin rebel cause. Ok admittedly i'm stoned off of seeds and branches saved from last night's blunt. Initially, I was just rolling that sucker out of practice because i'm not much of a fiend smoker but it just came out so nice and tight that I had to celebrate the improvement of my skills. But I think i'm a pothead now cause I crushed up those leftovers and packed it in Sally and ripped her hot open cunt bowl. The high approached but I did not feel chill or mellow. No not that hippie summerland this time but something much more intense and sharp. Andrenalin soared through my body and awakened the energy within. I felt electric. Fucking PUNK ROCK MAN. I lit a cherry clove(those really bring out ur high esp when your coming down), threw on my Anarchy in the UK Cd(all the good punk from Britain from '76-77), and started skankin all around my house. I was going crazy in this imaginary circle pit I had created wearing my black Ramones dress. Fuckin A perfection! It's like I can't stop, I gotta move. Grandma's talking to me right now, like I can see her lips moving but she's just this big purple figure hovering above me like fuckin senior citizen Barney. Ok she's gon now and all I see is the smoke curling from the incense I lit who fuckin knows when. "Baby Baby Baby, Baby Baby Baby, Won't You Be My Girl? Ya eyes are so pretty and the clothes u wear they so fine. I want you come around to my place just wanna use up a litle of your time, Baby Baby Baby, Baby Baby Baby, Won't You Be My Girl?" Aw c'mon... I'm going to make myself a sandwich....this has been anotha Edition to the Chronic Calls Chronicles. Peace kid... (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 28th, 2004
3:34 am	Yo man I'm fucking high. Beth and I snuck out to the stairwell after I rolled us a nice blunt. They still coming out delapidated but i'm getting better. I'll be rolling like the pros in no time. Anyways, so we are about half way through when my grandmother comes out and is like "what the hell are you guys doing in the hallway." Cuz yo, it is 3:20am and all. So whatever, she can see the puff of smoke but not the spliff so i'm like "i'm smoking a quick stog." She kinda grunts and goes back in. It's fuckin on again. 3/4 of the way thru she comes back out and is like "enough enough get the hell back in the house now." I stomped what was left out cuz then I heard what sounded like walkie talkies in the elevator and i'm thinking uh oh 5-0, you know. I guess it was perfect timing but I could have hallucinated that like that time I thought I saw dad and sharon coming home when Jared, Melissa and I were using his apt for a smokeout. Too bad though because I could have saved the roach and smoked it out of my handpipe. But the way I'm rolling still, it wasn't like firm enough anyways I guess. Anyways, after all that i'm feeling real chill right now. Beth says she's not really high but she's a beginner and I think she's not inhaling right like me back in the day. I used to think pot was wack but then Andrew awakened me to the knowledge that I was just holding it in my mouth and exhaling. I wasn't breathing it in. I remember the only one I could feel anything on was smoking with Lou. Shoutout to you bro. And it was a nice surprise to come back and see some lovely weed that had falling onto the other side of my keyboard and some real brittle branches. I packed it in the spoon's ball nice and tight and it's ready for wake and bake action. Yo the munchies are kicking in mad early....peace kid (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 25th, 2004
1:00 pm	Quickish Update School is boring and I may lose my transfer scholarship. From what I hear, pretty much all transfers lose it after the first semester since they don't extend the grace period for the whole term. Apparently, that's how the school gets people to come to Iona but also how they get to keep their money. Friggin' politics. Work is good and my co-workers are pretty cool. I still don't have enough hours but at least they are working me when I need them to. Haha there is one co-worker though, Todd, who expressed his desire to get me in bed. He's 30 and has a 9 yr old son but yet he still looks like a gangbanger lol. To me that's sad. It's also sad that there are no other gay/bi chicks at my job unlike at Michelle's location that's full of them. Speaking of girl's and all that, I was dating someone for a little while but she wanted me to dress really butch which is not me at all. I tried though cuz I liked her but it just wasn't working out and I have better things to spend my money on then a whole new wardrobe. We still talk because we have a lot in common but she's with someone now that is better suited for her, literally. I have a few options and a date this weekend to club Heaven so we'll see how that goes. After working so hard for the Michelle thing, I'm not pushing anything or expecting much. What i'd really like is some more female friends, be it gay, bi, or straight. With Julia in Yorktown, my sister in Tarrytown, Taina in Providence, and Melissa in Philly....I feel like i'm left with no one. I have so many guy friends and have so much fun with them but sometimes you just need that female element. Cuz really it seems all I do is go to school then go to work and come home and do the same thing the next day. I do get to see one movie per week but there are a bunch of clubs, concerts, and comedy performances I want to check out that's coming up this season. Plus basketball is starting up again and I haven't shot pool in a minute. As for recent additions, I got a snake bite done aka venoms so now I have three tongue piercings. Some say there wasn't any pt to do that while others say it looks really cool. Haha one girl told me she evies my next gf and to fill her in on how that works out. Sure thang sweetie ;) But then one girl told me he wouldn't date with it because she's hate tongue rings. Ohh and I got this awesome Texas Longhorns(fav ncaa women's basketball team) belt buckle that has a bottle opener on the back of it. How cool is that? Also, got a new handpipe or spoon, whatever you wanna call it. Works like magic I tell ya. That's really it. I went to JWU to visit Taina and met her new man. We got along like 10 billions times better then Luis and I get along and I'm so happy for them. We went to Mirage of course, twice, and saw all the old peeps. Didn't get drunk but it was fun and lol made out with the hott bartender. It was kinda wrong though because I went to her to buy this chick Essence a drink but well you know how it ended up. I'm going to Philly to see Melissa in the first week of November and she's taking me to a gay club up there called Woodie's. That kind of worries me because it sounds very male-identified but she assures me it's not. Ma ex, Allison, wants me to accompany her down south or to Italy soon so i'm mulling that over. I really want to go to Atlanta actually. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. When I build up my frequent flyer miles with my Citibank AA card, i'll see what I can swing. Anyone wanna come? Being that I don't know what else to write I'm just going to play some Yahoo Pool until I have to leave for work. Tata. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Bikini Kill - Strawberry Julius (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
9:08 pm	So after a year or so, idk how long, Jess and I met. Go see I, Robot, such a mindfuck. It was fun and she's a really cool person, funny and sweet. I had to go home shortly after otherwise it would have been nice to just walk around and talk. Speaking of talking, Taina finally got through to me. Ay dio, have I missed that loca. I can't believe we are going back to college without each other. Ace boon coon status for life....it's gonna be weird. Now that Nelfie got a new place and Taina and Luimi are sharing a room, i'm almost regretting not going back to JWU. But only for the social life which isn't a good enough reason. I can't wait to visit though. I'm going back once a trimester, maybe twice during the second cuz it feels the longest. Look out Mirage, your Hpnotq queen is coming back to reclaim her throne. I slept with Dina. I don't know if you remember her but i'd love to forget. She took advantage of a lot that I was doing for her....you know that wifey shyt. I cooked, we rolled, guzzled our licks, I cooked some more. It was fun and I could of saw us doing it on the regular but then her true colors showed through and I think she was just using me to have an easy time of things. I'm still single and still very much in love with she-who-must-not-be-mentioned. It's over, but try telling my heart that. There's Lucy and Lily, Jocelyn and Jackie, and who could forget Priscilla and Lori. It's not like i'm not busy and after the horrible mess with my last gf(not Michelle although that wasn't pretty either), I'm glad to not be tied down. I would of been happy still with her but there are two people now that are happier then I would ever have been and that's a good thing. I still want a girlfriend but until she comes along, you know how I do hehe. Other then that, I've changed my tongue ring to a door-knocker aka clit-catcher, lost 18 lbs, died my hair that Lindsay Lohan shade of red, bought my first pair of Jordans, have 4 mosquito bites, and and and learned my ability to do vodka shots has significantly weakened. Emerald comes back tomorrow and the group has mini-golf after swim. Should be a good day. So tata. (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
2:49 pm	Taking off from work today. Needed to catch up on sleep. Also, my CIT, Emerald, is taking off Friday and Monday so I need my rest to take care of almost 20 little girls for several hours all by myself. I love my job though. We really do get "paid to play." Sometimes I may want to throw them in the lake but they really are so precious and I feel myself changing inside somehow. I still don't want any of my own unless Michelle changes her mind but that will never happen. No this is not where we transition into talking about her....there's no point. The staff is a different story however. Mostly 15 and 16 yr olds who spread gossip and fight over the same people. Very high school. Melissa and Abe work with me though so it's not all bad. Today's break has been good so far. .................... Going out with Jess tonight. Really nervous. She does that to me, esp when we are on the phone. But we are going to see a movie so for a good 2 hrs I don't have to worry about anything except how my side profile is looking. I hope she has fun with me so we can do it again. I love hanging out with new people, embarking on new friendships, yada yada yada. .................... I decided on Iona College. I heard that in the next year or so they will become Iona University. Which makes me very very happy since I am a snob. Supposedly their academics are excellent and the party/night life is crazy. We shall see. I turned down Baruch, York, Brooklyn, Hunter, LIM, St. John's U, and Pace U so I'm hoping for good things. Either way, I'll be home and close to the city so unlike JWU, I won't exactly be stuck there. I'm majoring in Marketing once again of course with a minor in Sports Management. This is good since I want to work for the NCAA in women's bball. Damn good sport, damn good business, can't play for shit myself though. SJU didn't offer a Sports elective otherwise I may just have went there. But once again, no college with Julia. We tried though, sorta. .................... Basically, I've been working, dating, WNBA games, shooting pool, smoking some reefer, drinking a lil...all good stuff. It's not all been peachy and it hasn't all been fun, but right now I'm in relax mode doing what I can for me. I realized in the last year or so I missed out on a lot and for what? This is catch-up time. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
10:45 pm	I don't post much, or at all, but naturally this was interesting to me. Stolen from Lezgetiton: {S e x | P a r t 1 | B a s i c s} name: Sara will do jus fine unless i've approved anotha name fo u to use age: 18, 19 in August gender: femme location: da X sexual preference: girls only need apply { S e x | P a r t 2 | N o s i n e s s} are you a virgin: nah -if not, how old when you lost it?: 16 -describe your first time: madd regular, def not romantic, and short -are you with the same partner?: def not -how many lovers have you had?: guys - 3.5 don't ask lol, girls - 6 -who was the best/why?: Michelle...but more b/c I love her....if we goin on skills alone i'd say Chloe, and Krys because we get down in dat creative way -who was the worst/why?: the dude i lost it to, first bf, first love cliche case, he was madd quick and only in it to get his kinks/fetishes: mild s&m, bondage, roleplay, toys, exhibition naughty pleasures: voyeurism, polyamory oral?: more of a giver but by all means, dig in lol porn much?: nah not really, it's boring to me { S e x | P a r t 3 | B e s t I n A P a r t n e r } racial preferences, if any: yeah I do but its not a requirement, but i generally like to date outside ma race body build: funny how i don like da bony ones but das wha i mostly end up with, i like curves, not rolls, but curves temperament (passive, aggressive, both?): a little of both, surprise me their fetishes/kinks/etc: jus be open-minded and not redundant wit ur shyt { S e x | P a r t 4 | Q & A } best sex location: if da sex is good, it don matta, but i kinda have a thing fo doin it on da floor worst sex location: shower, das jus not me coolest fetish: roleplay ever fantasize about teacher/boss/etc?: yup implants/natural (both m & f for this one!): no exp wit implants but i'd prefer natural...all in all tho im not a "breastman" so to speak anyways best hair color: some variation of red or black best sex music: donell jones or metal lol fo dat rough sex greatest risky sex location (publicly speaking): train ;) do you own a vibe/any other mast. tool?: yep vibe and beads, but i think ma friend stole ma vibe, i wanna get a strap how often do you masturbate: only when im single and not dat much even den been caught playing around w/ self?: haha when i was a kid, like all da tyme been caught fucking/etc?: yep, it was kinda funny to me tho biggest turn-on: a sexy, confident smirk or smile, innocense and curiosity works too at times, and of course a juicy ass lol works every tyme biggest turn-OFF: when butches/studs/ag's wan it to be all me and don lemme explore, i always get ma way in da end but initially, it's frustratin sensitive body parts: ma neck, small of ma back, and when Michelle and only Michelle kisses ma collarbone and inside of ma wrist, no one can have dat same effect on those places best bra size on girl (or guys if you're into that shit): full C, but who cares, i jus don wan no acorns feel me? use food to tease? (chocolate syrup, whipped cream, etc): a bit cliche fo me but if she wanted to den im here to please favorite reaction from lover (moaning, writhing, etc): screamin ma name, screamin god's name, biting da pillow, scratchin me wit her nails(big plus ;)), grabbin onto da headboard...dat shyt can turn me on, when a girl is writhin like dat anal: i'd experiment but its not like on ma list of top ten things to do do you like giving oral?: def but i like workin wit ma hands betta dat was fun but now i wanna do wha dis survey was about....damnit lol, where are you when i need you ab?....hehe Current Mood: excited Current Music: Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song G (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 24th, 2004
1:41 pm	Your Ultimate Purity Score Is... Category Your Score Average Self-Lovin' 50% Explored the pleasures of the flesh 65.1% Shamelessness 50% It takes a couple of drinks 79.4% Sex Drive 31.6% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'! 77.8% Straightness 16.1% Knows the other body type like a map 45% Gayness 30.4% At least one weekend of ecstacy 83.6% Fucking Sick 71.7% Dipped into depravity 90% You are 43.99% pure Average Score: 72.7% Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
1:35 am	Got into a fight with Michelle. Or rather I tried to. But she wouldn't let me. I'm wrong, she's right, and she has a headache so she'll talk to me lata. Another weekend is gonna go by without me seeing her. Why the fuck am I still talking to her? I know what this is doing to my mind and my heart and what more damage is to come. For some reason, I just can't say fuck it. Oh how I wish I could. But either way, i'm gonna hurt. Dina(Chi-Chi) and me also got into a fight. Cuz I didn't buy her something. We just started talkin' and she's all like I want to find someone and fall in love and i'm real, I don't play games. Yet, I have to buy her love. Fuck dat, thas not what I want outta her anyways. She called ma voicemall and cursed me out over a material possession. Yet she tells me to grow da fuck up. What sense does that make? We are completely over. It was entertaining while it lasted but she's not worth all the aggravation. So many petty ass fights on the phone with her in the last two weeks, I don't understand it. Also, I broke up with Tara. I made the mistake of saying yes to her before actually going to see her. She told me that the only thing that changed about her since the last time I seen her is her hair. She got that like Krys cut now. I travel 2 hrs to Bay Ridge BK to see her and I see someone I couldn't possibly have used to date. She gained a good 100 lbs. Now I'm not shallow and only go for looks, and I'm chubby but like, dayum. I'm sorry but I cannot be with someone that huge. Obiese. It's not attractive and it shows no discipline, no self-respect. Plus, she lied about it. I don't appreciate liars. So basics Michelle is the only one left not that she really counts because everything between us is up in the air and non-existent. I'm not even gonna tell myself that it'll all improve when her softball season is over and I'm back from school...cuz i don't believe that no more. I really want to be with someone though. I realized through all this just how much I want a girlfriend. I want more than anything for Michelle to be that person but it's not happening. Not only do I feel alone, but now i'm lonely. Michelle taight me a lot about trust and love and put together with all the other stuff I already have I could be so good to someone. That someone moved away.....if we had the chance, it would've been off the hook. I should've kissed her before she left. No one knows who this is and no one will. We talked today for the first time since she moved. It sucked in the way that the convo was so good and sweet things were said and nothing can come from it. We would've been really good together. She just understands me in a way most people do not. Like how Julia understands me cept I can't date her cause she's my best friend and she dates my cousin Andrew. Not to mention lotsa other stuff like she's not my type and so on and so forth. But yeah back to dis chick. I could really see us going somewhere. I think it's one of those cliche, "if its meant to be, you'll somehow find a way back to each other" kinda things. All I know is I have a huge regret sitting on my chest and a series of "what if" questions running through my head. So back to the grind. Back to putting myself out there. Hoping not to get dicked over. Sifting through the trash to find those rubies and emeralds. Playing that game for awhile. The diamond won't come til lata. After making the mistake of thinking I had it twice, I'm not even interested. Cause those rubies and those emeralds can dull down like a regular old Quartz or gleam like that diamond. And if your hearts there, then she's all you need cuz to you she's perfect and she's an angel and you just feel blessed that she picked you to spend her time with, however long or short. Omg it feels weird having no prospects. Da mixtape chick from a few entries back gave me three more free cds but I think she's just being nice, trying to attract customers. She seen my rainbow necklace though recently so we shall see. Not really a prospect tho. Got my i.d. so you will find my ass at Heavens on ladies night(Fridays). Rekindled an old friendship, they coincidentally came out to me as well. That's always a possibility. Oooh and some weird shyt happened tonight. Made out with a blast from the past and I got this strange feeling in my heart. Almost like I couldn't breathe or like my heart stopped beating. Don't know what it means but was significant enough to be posted about. Eh enough of this shyt. Girls, girls, girls. Always on the brain. It's so unneccesary. But whatever, it's what I do. Jay-z understands. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 29th, 2004
1:32 am	The party went well. Some people that I wanted to see didn't show. Some of the people that came I wish didn't. But I was too fucked up to care really. Drama unfolded like usual. Memories were born as experiences were had. Didn't get to talk to Tara all weekend cuz she went snowboarding and busted her shyt. I really missed talking to her though and thought about her a lot over the weekend. I'm coming down in April to see her cuz that's when she's on her spring break. I'm like fake excited about it. Chi-chi invited me to a party only to make her ex-gf jealous. I kinda figured this out before she made the confession. Now she wants to get to know me on the real, no games. I would 'cept she won't jump off, if you know what I mean, via my celly. It's not fun anymore once you've broke them. Michelle had the kids all weekend and 5 softball games cuz two were doubleheaders so I couldn't see her. And yes, she gets her very own paragraph. She surprised me at Port Authority today and I got my kiss before I got on the bus. It was really nice. Ha, I told Julia this weekend I want to marry Michelle and have her baby. Isn't that insane? I wasn't lying.... I knew before I met her that I would fall in love with her. It's too bad we are "losing each other in our daily lives." I'm back at school now and happy about that. Snowden breakfast, the girl that sits behind me in speech but to my right in english, my zany management professor, ice cream Thursdays, my roomie and cuzo Taina, the heaven that is my mattress pad, constant cable connection, coming and going as I please without the same 100 questions repeated to me at least three times over, etc. Ooh, i'm going to sleep. Without having wrote my two papers. It was a 5 hr bus ride because the New England was closed down due to a major accident or some shyt. So sweet dreams. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 22nd, 2004
3:13 pm	Tara has been pursuing me just short of relentlessly. Trying to show me just how much she's grown up in various creative ways. I saw her when I came home this weekend and we had a lot of fun. When I got back to JWU, we had a long conversation about our past and our future. Well, she's in mine. As my girlfriend. I gave in although I told her I didn't want to be exclusive, at least not at this present time. She understands and hopes one day I will be all hers. I told her she should date around as well, especially since she currently lives in Albany, but she told me she dedicates herself to me alone. I haven't promised her anything as I know better then to do that. I did get to see Michelle but it was only for a good two hours because she had softball practice. Lots of talking, laughing, and of course some making out. Was very nice and familiar. The poor girl has 5 games this week, 4 of which are doubleheaders. She's going to miss Fridays game however because she's trying out for the CUNY international basketball team which will take place this summer in Ecuador. It's an amazing opportunity and she was picked out of 14 people on her team and she hasn't even been on that long. I'm so proud of my talented balla. I met dis new chick from Brooklyn who is another thugged out ag. She's black but she looks sorta dominican and chinese. Weird but it works for her. Quite well actually. She smokes a lot of weed though, like everyday which is not favorable to me but I'm not tryna marry the chick. Just want someone to chill with, have some laughs, go places with, meet some new people through them, and of course, kissing is always welcomed. This chick tho, whose name escapes me(forgive me), is "lookin' fo love." I told her she most likely won't find that in me but I don't mind keeping her busy til she does. She told me to have an open mind. I can at least do that. The thing I like about her is that she has been through a lot and learned a lot of life lessons early on. She's really philosophical and has all these beliefs and she's a really good conversationalist. Perhaps, the ganja does work for some people. But anyways, I like meeting new people in which I can gain something from, learn something. I believe I can find that in her. As for the other aspects of my life, there really are none. It's horrible I know, how girl crazy I seem but I have school on lock and home life on lock. Everything else is so routine and regular. I'm basically doin' me and getting by. Pretty much just waiting to get through this last trimester and spending as much time with Taina as possible while I still can. She and I have this amazing friendship, we call each other cuz, but she truly is like a sister to me. Yeah we fight, and sometimes I want to kill her but most of time we are crackin' up. Speaking of friendships and sisterhood, we of course cannot forget Julia. I spent a lot of time with her this weekend, seeing her a total of three times. She slept over as well. I cannot express in words just how much love I have for this girl. After all this time, she still holds such an important and active role in my life. I would not be who I am today if not for her constant support and nurturing. I cannot wait until this summer when we are both around and can see each other a litte more regularly. Shh!!!...don't tell her but I wrote a letter to New Paltz admissions....we'll see what happens. Well, ma baby Tara is online and she's telling me some very sweet things so I'm going to go give her my undivided attention. Besides, Ellen's on and that's another lesbian that holds my focus in a way Livejournal does not. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
11:12 pm	Tara asked me out. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
11:25 am	There's this ag/stud that sells mixtapes outside of Xavier Complex where we have our business classes. She reminds me a lot of Michelle in that they are both black and have cornrows and dress in that ghetto thug way. The only difference that I can tell so far is that the mixtape chick is a lot more open and outgoing then Michelle. Michelle is very private and closed-up. Extremely shy. So anyways, this mixtape chick asked me to stand in her spot so she could back up and I did and she thanked me with a free cd. And then she gave me a second free cd 'cause she said I was pretty. I got a third cd as well "just because." I wonder if she is seeing anyone.....hmmm..... It's been a pretty good week for me....i'm rounding up a pretty nice bunch of options....lots of variety too. Ooh, and Michelle is going to see me sometime this weekend. It's about time. Just thinking about it, my heart is unraveling. She's doing so well on her softball team, they won their first three games. It's good that all the time she spends away from me is not in vain. Because she's happy, athletics are her passion. They've been around way longer than I have. I figure I can reconcile my feelings because thats exactly what she did with my being 4 hrs away. 'Cause like I told her when I first met her, my education has been around way longer than her. And we both know that at the end of the day, our feelings are for each other and that's who we come back to when we can. I just worry about us drifting apart in the interim but i've come up with a few ideas on how to monitor and prevent that. For example, we started an email log for the days we don't get to talk to each other. It's just a little summary on our day and anything else we would have told each other. This way we stay up-to-date, connected and know what is going on in each other's lives. I'm putting a lot more work and effort into this fake relationship than I ever intended to or thought I would. Then again I never expected to fall for the girl and think so highly of her as I do. I don't just mean that in regards to romantic affection but as to who she is as a person. It's going on 8 months. All these others girls that I'm meeting and talkin' to are around to serve other purposes. I may just come to like one or two or all of them but they could never illicit from me the feelings and actions Michelle illicits from me. And in the end, they don't even exist in comparison to her. Like I've always stated, my intentions are stated from the beginning with these girls and so I do not feel as if I'm doing anything wrong. It seems in my journal entries I'm constantly making references to what is wrong or right and trying to justify my actions. I'm not sure if that's because I really don't believe in their justifications. Either way its not going to stop me. Like Taina said, we are both very indulgent people. It's a very good thing I never met Eve....I would have eaten her applesauce, apple pie, and drank her apple juice. Well, i'm off to my last class. Tata. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2004
1:15 am	While Taina was on spring break, she bumped into Yoleidi at the movies. Yoleidi asked how I was doing and Taina told her she should give me a call and ask me herself. Good thinking Taina and good job too because she did. Pretty good timing if you ask me. I'm absolutely horrible though. I have a new "project" and it's name is Angelina. See, I made friends with this boy named Carlos. A down ass kid who I had mad fun with but who didn't seem to grasp my sexuality. He really insisted on being with me and it became a problem and ultimately I had to let him go. It was sad but necessary. Now prior to this I had met a girl named Angelina who had intentions of hooking up with me. We only talked once and nothing ever happened. The ball was basically in my court and I decided against it. Now it so turns out that Angelina is Carlos' recent ex and I found this out tonight because he immed me from her sn. It is indeed a small world we live in. After he went home, Angelina and I continued our conversation in which much was discussed. Apparently, she is a virgin to both guys and girls. In fact, when it comes to girls, she has zero experience. Bisexuality is a concept that is both new and exciting to her and she is eager to experience it. When it comes to relationships, I've learned not to fuck with bi-curious and bisexual girls. It can be the quickest road to heartbreak. However, as someone who is looking for something casual, this is almost like music to my ears. Now this is where the horrible part comes in. I want to turn this chick out, I want to be life-changing. I want to be her first, be the unforgettable. I've done it before and it's a fun challenge that I have perfected. I thought I grew up from this kinda bullshit but apparently, I have not. Plus, this chick's measurements are 34-27-43. Do you know what that means? Dis chick is thick as shyt. She has some killer hips and a huge ass with that little waist. This is one of those opportunities you don't let pass you by. Besides I already got the digits and Carlos' ok, what else is really stopping me? Not my conscious, it's just as evil. It seems my summer hijinks have started early and I welcome this change in my current routine. I need something in which to focus on and to entertain myself with. And don't give me this bullshit about true colors and morals and values. I can't say this is different or it doesn't apply and I can't justify it, but I believe it's understandable at the very least. The people who I care about get the very best of me. I can be extremely loving. It is within me to be faithful and true. However, there is a part of me that loves to play the game. Loves to use and abuse, fine-tuning my "mack skills" along the way. Purposely tripping up in the game just to see how easily I can get back on track. The people who I mentioned above never see this side of me and they never will. Nor will the girls who I have real feelings for and want to have something real with. Like Michelle. But girls like Angelina and perhaps even Yoleidi, serve a different purpose. My ego is hungry and must be fed. I'm one cocky hija de la gran puta but just as everything is balanced in life, there is enough good in me to be redempted. Perhaps this entry is me battling with my intentions as I know they are not right but I state them to make myself aware that they exist and show myself what kind of person I am allowing myself to be at this moment. In a fairytale, I might just come to know Angelina and start to really like her. In a fairytale, I may not just be a new experience to her but something she could really consider in her life. I feel as if we are equal in the motivation we have for the roles we are deciding to play. We both see something we can gain from the other person, benefit from. She is no longer the unsuspecting prey and I the wiser predator. It is a business deal really. A venture for me and an adventure for her. Updates on this "project" to follow... (Comment on this)
Monday, March 8th, 2004
2:16 am	I might go up to Albany to stay at Tara's dorm. She has a spare room so I wouldn't have to get too comfy with her. It might be good to getaway....maybe I'll find something of substance. Find something briefly amusing, a few good conversations, a break in my routine. That's the main point. A break in my routine. After all, I am the girl who turned to vegetarianism as a cure for boredom. It was also therapeutic if regaining focus but that's another issue completely. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 6th, 2004
2:35 am	I've decided to start completely from scratch. Find completely new people to date. I've always been the kind of chick who has a main person and a few backup options. Sometimes, even backups for the backup options. But I'm sick of running around in circles and creating and re-creating situations and relations. Some might say I do this because I fear being alone. If only it were that cliche. It's because I'm too lazy. I'm tired and stressed and I lack the energy. So then perhaps, I shouldn't be in a relationship. Except that's boring. And it's in my nature to care for other people. But I'm not necessarily asking for a full-fledged relationship, god no. Just some variation of one would do just fine. The problem is, more often then not, people want to mess with me, not make me wifey. And so while that is flattering and fun, it lacks something. I'm the chick whose friends want to bang but not date. I'm the chick at the party or club that you want to take to the bathroom. Not the one you have first dates with and whose hand you hold. As a chick with a dude's mentality, this only bothers me on a small level. It only really gets to me when I'm lonely. I mean hey, I like sex just as much as the next gal and I'm good at it. And sometimes, that's all I want. It's human nature and my intentions are stated. I'm not deceiving. But there is so much more to me. People are always surprised to find out that I am a true romantic at heart and i'm pretty damn emotional. Anyways, I made the decision to cut off all lingering romantic ties and just put myself out there when I woke up this morning. And somehow, I ended up with a hickey tonight. Why am I such a pimp? It contradicts what it is I want and was trying to say above. But for good reason because it was a one time only thing as the opportunity had an expiration date. I don't like to have "what ifs" and regrets so I just lived in the moment. And who could resist a beautiful woman? Exactly. Which reminds me that I told my dad on the phone last night that I could never be in a relationship with a man. That I could not appreciate a man like I could a woman. To quote Michelle, "women are beautiful creatures and I just like the feelin I get inside when I am accompanied by one." The purpose for this conversation was that the last time my dad and I talked about this subject, I had used the term "bisexual" to identify myself. Over a year has past and the correction has now been made. It might take another year or two however to do the same with my mom. She can stick with the old term for now. Hours from now I shall be at the mall doing some shopping for new spring fashions which also means shopping for new prospects. So I need my rest. Gnight. Oh yeah, I'm liking this whole posting regularly thing. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Fefe Dobson - Everything (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 5th, 2004
2:11 am	Went to Ed's and left but an hour later. Because he can not just watch a movie, there was some kissing involved. That's when I told him I had to leave. It just wasn't right. There was no feeling behind it, on my part anyways, and so therefore, it was pointless. If anything it reminded me just how much I love women. And just how much I love kissing Michelle. She has these incredibly soft, lusciously plump lips that can be so gentle but possess so much power. When her lips are on my neck, it almost feels like a massage, not to mention the chills I get when she gives me those little butterfly kisses down towards my collarbone. Mmmm, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'll spare you though. 'Cept it's been so long since I've been in her company and it seems that is not going to change. Least not during this visit. I've accepted this but I'm not happy about it. I've decided to give Yoleidi a call. I do not know what her status is as of right now, not that it matters. There's enough time to fit in a light, lusty romance before she's off to DR for the summer. As for me, I'm off to bed. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
6:16 pm	Eddie called me today. Twice in a 15 minute period. I was such a spaz. He's gonna call lata tonight and we might chill before I leave. He may be an asshole but he's interesting as fuck. I miss what he does for me mentally. I've got my distraction. The kind that brings unnecessary drama. Hmm, fun. Will this be the fourth wave? Update: Eddie called back twice and we made plans to hang out at his crib on Thursday. Part of me is really excited about it and the other is just sorta umimpressed with the whole idea. Kinda like how I obsess over why Michelle hasn't called me and then when she does, after like 10 mins, I've had enough. I'm not interested in him for dating purposes. I just want to keep him around. We've always been so compatible. He's opened up my eyes to so much. There aren't many people in my life currently who do that or satisfy certain conversational needs I possess. Michelle is someone who has made a monumental impact on my life and I thank her for what she had done for me and what she has been to me. Will she continue to play a significant role in my life is no longer certain however. Backup options? Of course. But who has the energy? (Comment on this)
1:19 am	Personally, happiness=completion. I've experienced this twice. Currently, I feel like a part of me is missing. This equals sadness. I've been searching for something or someone to fill that void. Though nothing I've come across fits that position. Perhaps, there is no true distraction this time. I may just have to deal with the issue and find a solution sooner than later. Let's state the problem and let me be dramatic about it because I don't often let myself do that. My heart is being ripped out by the one person that I've ever wanted to completely surrender to. So, what to do about it? There are many, many women who inhabit this Earth and a whole community who would walk through life at my side. Though how many am I willing to let do just that? I've decided I don't love you. I could, though. And I would. Shame on you for not taking proper advantage of what I could give you. Shame on me for offering it in the first place. (3 Comments |Comment on this)